Slow Going, With My Head High

I've still been applying to many many nursing jobs, little to no feed back, good or bad. It's frustrating at times, but I still keep chugging along. Thank goodness I still have BevMo to keep me sane....well sort of. There are a few fellow employees who are....not quite up to par. It's unfortunate, I wish their brains could just click, and things would flow better and faster and we could all help each other out, then in turn help all our customers efficiently and effectively. They are all very very nice, sweet spirits all around, but each one has a bit of a flaw that seems to put a chink in the chain. One's slow as molasses and it's almost painful, you wanna help them, but you don't want to butt in and make them feel inferior or over step your boundaries. Another is just simple-minded and is an airhead much of the time. The last is an older employee and by older I mean 60+, and well its just a generation thing, slower, slightly cranky, but like I said, they're all very nice friendly people. Just sometimes, I wish I didn't have to deal with them, although they give us great stories to tell at dinner time.

I'll love the day when I get a much better pay check and can contribute more to my family, and therefore start having a family, well a bigger family any way!

Thats all for now. Thanks for tuning in.

Crazy

That's how my mind has been working these past couple days. I don't know if its because I'm home-sick, or missing friends, or I don't have a full time job and we're living paycheck to paycheck, but I've been emotionally lacking something. Certain days have moments of fun and joy, but I would like joy more often than not.

I keep searching for a job, keep applying, but no bite yet. I'd love to work at Kaiser, anyone with connections?!

I'll leave this one short for now. lol

Excited about my current job!

So it's been a while....wow over 6 months I see. Well a lot has happened on my end. Finished Nursing school for my LVN license, which I received beginning of January. School was an interesting experience. I made some good friends, made some friends who are no longer friends, and didn't quite hit it off with some others. Met some incredible teachers, met some crazy teachers. All in all I learned a lot.

I love my new part time job at BevMo. It's soo fun, I get to talk about booze all day, not drink it, just chat!

Still sending out job applications on a daily/ weekly basis, no one's biting yet. I won't give up, I think God's waiting to put me in a great place.

The dog is good, the cat is good, we're all pretty dandy here, in Anaheim.

The things between Breakfast Lunch & Dinner

So I get to keep my job at the winery and at the same time a bonus! Thats some fun news. We got a new Manager and Im still not sure about her. She is nice but everytime I try and say something she butts in and out does me...I rather just not go up front anymore. There are alot of changes going on and I am trying to be as open minded as I can. I think that they are....or can be good over all but we shall see....

Since my last post I am down to 148. That puts a smile on my face but I still have 8 more pounds to go. Oh and I have been buying earings and necklaces!!!!

My younger brother is getting Married in a few months and I am super excited. His fiance is amazing and fits into the family perfectly! Its like I have a new sister. Its great and I am happy that he is happy.

For the Love of Food...

I love food, but I eat healthy. I love cooking, but I make sure that its healthy and when we go out its been sushi lately.

Now here is my problem...I am gaining weight. yep...maybe I should start hitting the gym, but I have never had this problem so I think I'm fighting it a bit. I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted, not work out and fit into a size 4. Now I'm having a hard time in a size 6, eating healthier and driving the boyfriend nuts. Oh did I mention the dimples in my thighs? (wow I sound like my mom!)

I wish I liked running, but I don't. Yes I have tried but its not my thing. I just want it to magically go away!!! I should have the motivation to get my butt to the gym soley on the fact that I wont by bigger pants. See I've done that before.

I was 135 up until maybe late 2006 and then I started gaining weight. I got up to 165 by 2007 and didn't really notice that I was as big as I was. I started dating the boyfriend in November of 2007 and by mid 2008 realized that I needed to do something. We moved in together at the end of 2008 and I starting working out at the gym in our complex. I lost my job at the beginning of 2009 and spent 30 min everyday in the gym. I got back down to 135...now I'm up to 153...I am made at myself. I don't have to go back to 135 but if I was 140-145ish I would be happier and less jigglier...

...oh for the love of food...

I dont know if I can do this...

I'm sitting on my couch crying, trying to digest and process. I'm so so lost and so so confused about how I am suppose to feel or what am I suppose to do. I just want to be held by the boyfriend and in this one moment I just want him to tell me its going to be okay, but hes at work and I feel bad for unloading on him.

Friday I found out that my biological father is dying. I haven't seen him in 18 years and I didn't know what to do. I still don't know what to do. Crazy to think that seeing him again could be the last. It feels unreal and there are so many emotions going on. When I walked into the room I saw the sadness in his eyes. I saw the emotion on his face seeing the 18 years that has gone by that he knows he missed. There aren't any words at this point that can make it better.

And then there is his side of the family that I haven't seen either. I missed out on them because of him. I feel bad that there has been that disconnect and that I don't have a relationship with them. I feel like my world has been flipped upside down.

It scares me to think that if I ever get married or have kids that there is a chance that it could happen to them. I don't want to do that to someone. I don't want my actions to lead them to be sitting on a couch at 25 crying because they are lost because of their parents actions. Oh there are so many thoughts going through my head and heart. I'm lost, I'm sad, I'm just, just wondering what to do...where do I go from here?

Analyze This

I admit it, I am woman...I have an insane amount of brain power that no man will ever completely understand. (nor do I really want them too)

I think and contemplate.

I over think and over contemplate.

I think subconsciously. (is that even possible?)

I think irrationally (but usually only when I've been drinking, lol)

There is a deep abyss of information and process that goes on in my mind whether I actually want it to or not....And this is what make us seem crazy.

We plan

We approach

We attack

We (sometimes) convey

We talk

We yell

We cry (sometimes more than others)

We want what's best for ourselves, and our children.

We'll do almost anything to get what we want.

Whether it be emotionally, physically, or materialistically.

Maybe we are crazy?! But do we like it....some would say Yes, some might say No, and some might just....well, not care!

If I were a guy....I don't know if I'd ever trust a woman. Not to say that we're liars. But that there's always ....something else going on, some underlying motivation for things that we say or do. That's also not to say that those things are necessarily evil either. Like before, we're protectors. We'll do anything to make sure the ones we are closest to are safe. Does that then make us crazy?

I have no idea how to end this....I just sat and started typing. lol