Starting over

This last year and a half I have spent trying to figure out how to be. How to be a single mother, how to be a friend, a daughter, sister and everything else I thought I had to be. As a single mom you just go, and do, because you have to. You have to be everything at once and you don't even think about it. Because when you do it becomes overwhelming, heartbreaking and impossible. You put aside you because you don't know who you are anymore. Your mommy an daddy and healer and protector. You are life to someone else. And in all of that you loose who you are as a person. It's a struggle to find balance, a struggle to feel like you deserve it. And the one thing I am starting to learn is I deserve a lot more than I have allowed myself. I have learned that it's not selfish. The more confidence I have as a person, mother, daughter, sister, friend...the better life is for my daughter. Starting over was terrifying after my break up, but now it's time for me to be happy and live life 100% for my daughter and I.

Selfish Relationships and the Damage

In the past few months I have multiple conversations with male friends who have fallen in love, even proposed, to only have their significant others say no or leave. This bothers me. Women are more emotional and fall into love more easily then men (sometimes.) Men have been taught for the longest to not show emotion so for them to fall in love and express it, especially with marriage, is huge. What comes after a man falls in love and it doesn't work out is even bigger. Try and date a man who has already been in love and has had his heart broken is like trying to get water and oil to mix. Their hearts are steel cages and it takes a lot to get them to open up again. Some never do. For a man to show that type of vulnerability to someone is huge;something women do not understand. They usually end up sticking to one night stands or have short meaningless relationships after.

It goes both ways though. If a women has been in a bad relationship they have the hardest time trusting again. They go into every relationship not trusting anything, which isn't fair to the new person. Women fresh out of a relationship will sometimes go for anything to seek validation that they can be wanted by someone or they shut down and build up walls. Either way it can be unhealthy.

Why am I writing about this? Well I think we are selfish and this is what destroys people after relationships. Sometimes we aren't honest when we start dating someone about what we really want from a relationship. Marriage, commitment, loose sexual connection, babies, house; the list goes on. You like the other person, your attracted to them, and do not want to miss out on the opportunity to see what it would be like to be with them. You hope that maybe in time you can be on the same page. Sometimes we sacrifice our wants to make the other person happy afraid to loose them, but in the long run it does more damage than good. Also there are times in a relationship where your wants or needs change in the middle of the relationship and we do not communicate that to the other person. And then its too late, the damage is done and it all falls apart. Relationships are about communication even in the very beginning. If the person you are dating wants to get married and have babies and you don't, then do not lead them on, or if some point down the road you realize you no longer want to get married etc...talk about it. It might mean you loosing the other person to someone else, but in the long run its better then destroying them.

No Time for Games

Here is another reason why I am okay with being single: Too many people these days play games, I am 29 years old...I am not going to play games with someone who is supposed to be grown. Is the chase fun? Yes, but I am not going to break my back to get your attention. If some one tells you they are interested, takes your number but never uses it, then do not waste your time on them. Yell "NEXT" and keep it moving. They will realize what they lost out on once they see someone else enjoying it. I have been watching too many of my friends stuck in a cycle of games. And it goes both ways. I do not know if it is because we are getting older and some of us have been in bad relationships so we try and test everyone we meet in fear of getting stuck in another bad relationship? The fear of being hurt again. Or the need for attention? What ever the reason, its sad. If you are truly interested in someone than show it, follow through, do not leave them hanging. If you have a change of heart after asking for their number or after spending time with them, then be honest that its not going to work. Do not string people along. Treat others the way you want to be treated..always.

Movin on Up

Movin on Up....to the East Side of the Bay!

in 2 weeks I'll be back in NorCal!  New job location, meeting new people, new adventures!

Follow your Gut

This will probably be short....but if you're a woman, you more than likely have a built in sense of when something isn't right. Hold on to it. It's your red flag...

I've had my red flag flying for a while now but something still happens and I fall over and over into the pit of 'Hope and Optimism' and then I get burned and disappointed and sometimes lied to.

However, I love being that Hopeless Romantic type...where I get flowers unexpectedly, and go away on vacations at a moments notice, and go out for happy hour just because!

Thank my Mom

Sitting around the table I hear my lovely mother joking about her boobs sagging and dimples in her thighs; how things are just not the same. My dad replies with "oh geez" and I sit there and laugh telling her "guys do not care." This statement is true. I know its true. Men do not view us in the same light that we view our selves. Listening to my mom and thinking about the conversations that women have when they are together made me want to write about this. I was on my Sunday walk with the girls and we were all talking about the changes we would like to see in our bodies. From the bottom up I would like to tone my calves, lift my butt, tighten my tummy, and make it so arms didn't have bat wings. I would also like to see more of my collarbone. And this will all happen once I loose these f*ing 15 pounds that wont go away. This is how I see myself, but ask someone who knows me and they will not say the same. My guy friends tell me to shut up, I just had a baby and look great. They are not as harsh or critical as we are. But to humor those who shake their heads at me I decided to ask my friends (THANK YOU by the way for letting me pick your brains.) Would you date a chubby girl? (Is how I started out.) "Yes...as long as she was trying to be healthy/is healthy." This was the number one answer. Over all it was all about being healthy and trying to be in shape. Look not everyone is going to be a size 2...I look my best at a size 6/8. I have curves so a 2 is not a good look. But a 2 for someone else is amazing. Also not all men want a size 2, they like the curves. This is why MY SEXY is for me. I know where I am most comfortable and I am working my butt off for me. This is how it should be...work your butt off for you, for where you feel most comfortable; not to fit into a size 2. Also when some people loose too much weight it looks like they have a big head on such a little body and its weird. Stop being so hard on yourself. Enjoy life and live healthy.

No kiss on New Years

I am actually very flattered to be writing this post. A great friend of mine asked me to write about why I am single and not dating. So here we go... New Years was a blast. I did dinner in the city with my brother and his wife. We all got dolled up at went out for an amazing dinner and then back to their apartment for bubbles. It was perfect, for me. Now reading this you might or probably are judging me on the fact that there is no mention of the new years kiss...well, there wasn't one. Heartbreaking...not really. I am 3 months out of a 6 year relationship and I have a child. That's some baggage. It is also not fair to potential partners for me to be dating so soon. And not talking about casual dating...I am talking about my friends are single and 30 dating to find a life mate dating..."hey wanna go out for pizza and a beer and hangout" dating totally cool. But trapping someone into relationship status dating right now, not fair. Why? you ask...because even though the break up was mutual and we are great co-parents there are still boundaries and things which have to be worked out, figured out, and put into place. I am 3 months out and it would look very odd to the new guy to see the ex calling the cell phone. NOW I know that the ex is calling to talk about the baby, pick up time, drop of time, etc., but for new guy; it could leave him wondering if there is something still there. See when you start dating someone new it can be messy...getting to know one another, learning each other, and when one of the parties involved JUST got out of a serious or long term relationship and have started dating right away it makes people wonder. "What if he/she decides they rather be with their ex?" Now right off the bat there is trust issues. And I also do not want to have to sit there and reassure the new guy that there REALLY ISN'T anything there anymore. I know what you might be thinking...not all guys are like that...and I know this, but I rather give it time, enjoy being single, enjoy my daughter, and let things just happen. I am not looking, but if something finds me, then I will give it a try. There is no rushing love or relationships. If it is meant to be it will be.

MY SEXY and doing this for me

Don't laugh...or shake your head as you read this. I am not loosing weight for you, or anyone else. I am doing it for me. I love feeling sexy; going to Victoria's Secret to buy new undergarments. Getting dressed in front of a full mirror so I can see how cute I look naked. With having my nugget I got up to 208lb. Holy hell that's heavy for me. I have lost 43lbs, so I am back down to my pre-prego weight but I have 15 more that I would like to loose so that I have that sexy feeling back. And again I am not doing it for you. You will not find me after this mission walking around half naked like most women do, because I do not care what you think. You will still find me in jeans and a t-shirt, hair thrown up. Just know when you see me, I know what I look like under that and I feel amazing. That being said I am noticing a trend of people working out, loosing weight, dressing half naked for other people and not for themselves. Why? and will you truly be happy in the long run if you are doing something for someone else. "I have to look like so and so so that he will like me." "I work out 4 days a week so that the ladies will like me with my shirt off." EWW. Just ew. I want to like you with your shirt on. I want to like you because you like you, and you are confident about yourself. Lets hope my mother doesn't read this post..and mom if you are stop reading now (please.) Here is an example...There is a gentleman who is unbelievably comfortable and confident with himself and it showed (blushing.) I, who is not at my personal best, was unbelievably shy, but he liked how I looked. He probably thinks I am nuts for wanting to hide, but again its about me. My sexiness is for me, not him, not you, not anyone. I am flattered that he found me attractive and it makes me blush, but just wait till I am back to MY SEXY...just wait.

Finding my other half

Preface: Sometimes when I write these, I feel like Carrie Bradshaw in SATC.  I write like I speak. Short sentences, yet they make complete sense to me, and I have little reason to go back an rewrite. I form an idea, and then I must write it down so I dont forget.

~~~~~

Im one of those people who loves to be social...loves to talk, go out to lunch, brunch, dinner, drinks, etc. I'm a "4-6" er.  Meaning, I would love to go out 4-6 nights a week and be with people, or my BFF, BF, Husband, etc. If I get 1-3 nights/ days a week to myself, I'm completely satisfied.  I know others who might consider them selves "1-3"ers, where they dont need to be around a significant other or friends all the time, and are completely content with doing their own thing "1-3" nights on their own.

I was in a much too long relationship for about 2 yrs with someone who I considered a "6-7"er, they wanted to call me all the time and if I didnt pick up right away, I MUST have been with another guy...(seriously, this was spoken to me on the phone, once I did call them back). If I didnt want to go out with them, (for the 4th time that week) at the bar then I didnt love them. It was like this for most of the later half of the relationship, I dont know why I stayed...Oh Wait....I do...I wanted someone to hang out with....plus a few free drinks and meals were in there as well.  Come on girls, we've all done it a few times, taking one for the team!

A new guy I'm "talking/texting" with, I've been sensing...plus he has told me, he isnt looking for anything long term, and that he's been known to be a heart breaker of sorts...this was during his military days.

This makes me think that he's a "1-3"er...not that he will be that way forever, or maybe he will, but right now, we're not meshing, and all we're doing is texting long distance. Broke my heart when I got a reply txt after I had said 'good morning', with the previous night saying 'good night', of "Chill with it". Apparently its too much, too soon, too often.

But this is exactly my point, I understand he's not trying to be mean. He just wants the space he wants, and I, being the social person I am, want more! I want a lot out of my friends that I consider special and dear to my heart. I expect a 50/50 return on what I give vs receive and I do not think that that is too much to ask.

So to round the bases and bring it on home, I think I'll see where this friendship goes, and if its not meant to be, then yes I will be sad and back to square one, but perhaps he wasnt my other "4-6"er. My other half is out there.

Christmas Time is Here...

...and with that comes all the holiday parties, which I love. Well what the hell I'm I writing about then...Yesterday was a 1 year old birthday party. I, as always, was the first one there. So naturally I became the greeting party with the birthday girl in hand. Hey!!! hugs, let people walk in, then its "where is the baby and boyfriend?" Oh yeah, I didn't tell these people...I haven't told any body really, so then it was the whole..."well...Baby is with her dad on the weekends and we aren't together anymore...but it's okay, everything is great." and then it hit me last night. I have a few more holiday parties to go to, where there will be a lot of people who do not know, and I am not saying it is their business, but I know its going to come up. I do not want it to come up at a holiday party only for the fact that it REALLY is okay. My life is great and I am happy. I do not want anyone to feel bad and ask me if I am okay, because I end up having to convince them that I really am okay, people can be okay after a break up, break ups do not have to be bad or traumatizing all of the time. They can be mutual, civil, and easy...and its a holiday party, who wants to talk about that stuff anyways? Now the only bummer this year is going to be watch my brother and his wife making out on New Years...yuck. At least I will be looking cute.

Whats the Hurry

I live in California so yes there is a mass amount of attractive men in the Bay Area. And I am not going to deny myself from looking at these attractive men nor talking about them with whomever I am with at that time. It's healthy. Flirting is healthy and a part of human nature. Now here is the big kicker...I just got out of a 6 year relationship so I am in no rush to jump back into anther one. I am not flirting to bag one of these fine specimen. I do not need a man. I am happy with my life. I make my own money, I can fix my own things, and I am doing an amazing job raising my child. I am happily independent. I am 29 and so people are telling me I now have to hurry to find someone before I get too old. But why? If a relationship happens, it will happen. I am not going to rush, or hurry or try and force anything. The above might offend some people so I will break it down more. Do I like being in a relationship with someone...Yes, I think most people do, but I do not NEED someone. I have been raised to always take care of myself and to never depend on anyone else. There is a comfort and security with being in a relationship, but that shouldn't define someone. I think you have to be completely happy with yourself and your life before getting into a relationship. That other person is there to enjoy life with you, be happy with you. They should be there to support you when there are hard times. BUT BUT you should not be looking for a relationship or a person to make you happy, to fix your life, or to take care of you. No one else can make you happy, and I think this is where people get relationships wrong. Humans are selfish, so if you are looking at someone else to make you happy its not going to happen, they will eventually get tired of it. I am going to enjoy my life and my nugget and what will be will be. My happiness is not dependent on it.

Flipping to a New Chapter...

New Chapter: Single Mom Treading Water ...and I am okay. I will always be okay. Life doesn't stop because something changes, you have to keep going. I have the best little girl out of all of this and that is what is most important. Through our ups and downs we have evolved, faced challenges, and over came a lot in 5.5 years but it wasn't enough. Agreeably we have gone our own ways co-parenting quite well. Your would think that this would be the hard part and what I would be writing about, but its not. This has been easy. Its others opinions about the break up that are hard and sometimes hurt. I, for the most part, am a very private person and was the one in the relationship 24/7, but some people seem to think they know better. "I told you so", "you should have tried harder." etc...An untangling of lives is hard enough when its a mutual decision and instead of focusing on your opinion why not focus on the fact that the two people who where in the relationship are happy and get along. I do not need sympathy, I need support. I do not need someone telling me how hard it is going to be to get someone to date me with a kid, tell me (like an amazing person did) that single moms are hot and the best people to date because you get to see how they raise their kids, its like a working interview. P.S. Dating isn't priority right now any ways...I mean I know I am a year away from 30 but I am not close to dead. This is going to be about new adventures and growing and loving life. This is going to be about my little monkey and watching and helping her become amazing. I am amazing and that is not about to change because life is changing. I am me and always will be....

Where to begin...

It's been almost a year since I have written anything. Looking back at what I have shared and what has happens since it amazing. As I write this I am sitting in the tub, in a new place, with a 4 month old crying in the back ground. Her father (same guy as the past 5 years, a whole different blog all together) singing to calm her.
A BABY!!!!!! Yes, and she is the most AMAZING baby in the world. She graced us two years earlier than planned but she is so worth it.
No more about baby. She is mine for now and maybe later I will indulge your curiosities later.

What have I been up to? Well, where do I start? I went back to school for my bachelors...do not ask "In what?" I have no idea yet, well, some what of an idea...operations or accounting. We shall see where life takes me with this. (Her gab wring is unbelievably cute and distracting at the same time.) I am still at the winery. I was laid off when I was 6 month pregers but they brought me back to do phone sales. Hopefully something changes so that I can move up again....

I have learned to keep my mouth shut about my relationship. Why? Isn't it all apart of this blog with Liz to be open about EVERYTHING? Yes you are correct, but I found that I was only telling of the bad days, which every one has. And only talking about the bad wasn't the whole point of this blog. Relationships are hard work and in this world of instant gratification is is very easy to walk away at the first fight. There is NEVER going to be someone who is 100% what you want. It you find someone who is 80% of the most important things you want in someone the. Don't just walk away. Work at it. Relationships are...relationships are delicate. Walking away with out trying can damage a good thing that you may never get back.

I planned on writing more but her cries are consistent now which means she is ready for bed and she won't let daddy put her down yet.

For now this is what I can give. More later.

Friends

I've come to a fork in my personal road. Well perhaps "forks" is more appropriate. I don't know which path will be best for me and I'm scared to step into one and it not work out. I've been wanting to re-invent myself, so I started with dying my hair darker. I like it! It's fun!

I'm frustrated with not yet finding a nursing job. I would love to get more shifts and responsibility at my current job. I want to be able to buy things I want and need, instead of just prioritizing what things I need to buy for the week.

I've started going to the gym, using my free 3 month pass! I feel better, getting my Cardio on, and doing a little strength training too! I wish I could see results a bit faster, but if I keep going, maybe in a month I'll start seeing it, and perhaps in 3 months I'll feel and look fabulous for my 10 yr high school reunion. That's definitely one of my short term goals, looking fab for August!

I've been talking to a long time friend recently, and they've really been super awesome in giving me advice, support, someone else to laugh with (besides the ever hilarious Paul), etc. It's been nice to realize there are great people in this world who you can rely on. I love the friends that I have here in the OC and the one who aren't so close, I miss seeing them and hopefully I'll get to see a few soon when I plan to make a trip up north in May.

So a big thank you goes out to the friends that are emotionally and location-ally close to me!

Slow Going, With My Head High

I've still been applying to many many nursing jobs, little to no feed back, good or bad. It's frustrating at times, but I still keep chugging along. Thank goodness I still have BevMo to keep me sane....well sort of. There are a few fellow employees who are....not quite up to par. It's unfortunate, I wish their brains could just click, and things would flow better and faster and we could all help each other out, then in turn help all our customers efficiently and effectively. They are all very very nice, sweet spirits all around, but each one has a bit of a flaw that seems to put a chink in the chain. One's slow as molasses and it's almost painful, you wanna help them, but you don't want to butt in and make them feel inferior or over step your boundaries. Another is just simple-minded and is an airhead much of the time. The last is an older employee and by older I mean 60+, and well its just a generation thing, slower, slightly cranky, but like I said, they're all very nice friendly people. Just sometimes, I wish I didn't have to deal with them, although they give us great stories to tell at dinner time.

I'll love the day when I get a much better pay check and can contribute more to my family, and therefore start having a family, well a bigger family any way!

Thats all for now. Thanks for tuning in.

Crazy

That's how my mind has been working these past couple days. I don't know if its because I'm home-sick, or missing friends, or I don't have a full time job and we're living paycheck to paycheck, but I've been emotionally lacking something. Certain days have moments of fun and joy, but I would like joy more often than not.

I keep searching for a job, keep applying, but no bite yet. I'd love to work at Kaiser, anyone with connections?!

I'll leave this one short for now. lol

Excited about my current job!

So it's been a while....wow over 6 months I see. Well a lot has happened on my end. Finished Nursing school for my LVN license, which I received beginning of January. School was an interesting experience. I made some good friends, made some friends who are no longer friends, and didn't quite hit it off with some others. Met some incredible teachers, met some crazy teachers. All in all I learned a lot.

I love my new part time job at BevMo. It's soo fun, I get to talk about booze all day, not drink it, just chat!

Still sending out job applications on a daily/ weekly basis, no one's biting yet. I won't give up, I think God's waiting to put me in a great place.

The dog is good, the cat is good, we're all pretty dandy here, in Anaheim.

The things between Breakfast Lunch & Dinner

So I get to keep my job at the winery and at the same time a bonus! Thats some fun news. We got a new Manager and Im still not sure about her. She is nice but everytime I try and say something she butts in and out does me...I rather just not go up front anymore. There are alot of changes going on and I am trying to be as open minded as I can. I think that they are....or can be good over all but we shall see....

Since my last post I am down to 148. That puts a smile on my face but I still have 8 more pounds to go. Oh and I have been buying earings and necklaces!!!!

My younger brother is getting Married in a few months and I am super excited. His fiance is amazing and fits into the family perfectly! Its like I have a new sister. Its great and I am happy that he is happy.

For the Love of Food...

I love food, but I eat healthy. I love cooking, but I make sure that its healthy and when we go out its been sushi lately.

Now here is my problem...I am gaining weight. yep...maybe I should start hitting the gym, but I have never had this problem so I think I'm fighting it a bit. I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted, not work out and fit into a size 4. Now I'm having a hard time in a size 6, eating healthier and driving the boyfriend nuts. Oh did I mention the dimples in my thighs? (wow I sound like my mom!)

I wish I liked running, but I don't. Yes I have tried but its not my thing. I just want it to magically go away!!! I should have the motivation to get my butt to the gym soley on the fact that I wont by bigger pants. See I've done that before.

I was 135 up until maybe late 2006 and then I started gaining weight. I got up to 165 by 2007 and didn't really notice that I was as big as I was. I started dating the boyfriend in November of 2007 and by mid 2008 realized that I needed to do something. We moved in together at the end of 2008 and I starting working out at the gym in our complex. I lost my job at the beginning of 2009 and spent 30 min everyday in the gym. I got back down to 135...now I'm up to 153...I am made at myself. I don't have to go back to 135 but if I was 140-145ish I would be happier and less jigglier...

...oh for the love of food...

I dont know if I can do this...

I'm sitting on my couch crying, trying to digest and process. I'm so so lost and so so confused about how I am suppose to feel or what am I suppose to do. I just want to be held by the boyfriend and in this one moment I just want him to tell me its going to be okay, but hes at work and I feel bad for unloading on him.

Friday I found out that my biological father is dying. I haven't seen him in 18 years and I didn't know what to do. I still don't know what to do. Crazy to think that seeing him again could be the last. It feels unreal and there are so many emotions going on. When I walked into the room I saw the sadness in his eyes. I saw the emotion on his face seeing the 18 years that has gone by that he knows he missed. There aren't any words at this point that can make it better.

And then there is his side of the family that I haven't seen either. I missed out on them because of him. I feel bad that there has been that disconnect and that I don't have a relationship with them. I feel like my world has been flipped upside down.

It scares me to think that if I ever get married or have kids that there is a chance that it could happen to them. I don't want to do that to someone. I don't want my actions to lead them to be sitting on a couch at 25 crying because they are lost because of their parents actions. Oh there are so many thoughts going through my head and heart. I'm lost, I'm sad, I'm just, just wondering what to do...where do I go from here?