I'm sitting on my couch crying, trying to digest and process. I'm so so lost and so so confused about how I am suppose to feel or what am I suppose to do. I just want to be held by the boyfriend and in this one moment I just want him to tell me its going to be okay, but hes at work and I feel bad for unloading on him.
Friday I found out that my biological father is dying. I haven't seen him in 18 years and I didn't know what to do. I still don't know what to do. Crazy to think that seeing him again could be the last. It feels unreal and there are so many emotions going on. When I walked into the room I saw the sadness in his eyes. I saw the emotion on his face seeing the 18 years that has gone by that he knows he missed. There aren't any words at this point that can make it better.
And then there is his side of the family that I haven't seen either. I missed out on them because of him. I feel bad that there has been that disconnect and that I don't have a relationship with them. I feel like my world has been flipped upside down.
It scares me to think that if I ever get married or have kids that there is a chance that it could happen to them. I don't want to do that to someone. I don't want my actions to lead them to be sitting on a couch at 25 crying because they are lost because of their parents actions. Oh there are so many thoughts going through my head and heart. I'm lost, I'm sad, I'm just, just wondering what to do...where do I go from here?
Because God Love's Us
3 years ago
