70 days and counting

Its been 2 months and 10 days since I was laid off. 2 months and 10 days ago I thought that it sucked but I'd be okay and find a job in no time. I haven't, and its starting to get to me. I spent 3 hours today cleaning my house. I spent another 3 hours watching meaningless crap on TV. I've applied to over 100 different places and nothing. I am really starting to feel like I'm not good enough. I have worked my ass off to get where I was. I did well at every single job so that I could put it on my resume and have good references. NONE of it seems to matter anymore. I'm loosing hope and some of myself esteem. I feel like I'm not wanted.

People who have jobs don't understand. They look at me funny when I try to explain that its not fun sitting at home day after day with no money to do anything. They tell me to look at it like a vacation...F that, I don't want to be on vacation anymore!!1 I WANT A JOB. I want to get up, shower and put on real clothes, not another pair of sweats. I don't want to sit at home for a whole day.

I cry, when my boyfriend isn't home. I don't want him to see how sad I am. He has enough to worry about. When he asks whats wrong I lie and tell him nothing, that I'm fine.

Unless you have been in my shoes you will never understand this indescribable stress. It eats at you every day. I have been doing small things like dying my hair or getting my toes done, but it never takes the stress away.

So I'm on day 70 and counting....

Judging others and being Judged

This is one we all know from experience. Wether it's when you were little and not included in a game with friends just because you looked different or acted different, or even now, as an adult, being judged by where you live, what kind of work you do, or who you are friends with.

People seem to judge others for any number of reasons. Some might be valid, and some not. 

I say valid, because if you've actually hung around this person or group, and have spoken with them, interacted with them and tried to get to know them, and they just aren't your type of people you want to hang out with, then that's ok!  Not everyone is going to like everyone else in this world, but we still should try to remember to be courteous and civil.

I've tried being friends with a girl from my home town. She's married to someone I used to be good friends with, but have since gone our separate ways and are no longer on speaking terms. I guess my nostalgia has gotten to me and feel a need to reconnect since it's been 4-5 yrs since we last spoke. I don't have a phone number or email for my former friend, but the girl has a blog that I read on occasion, to see what's going on in their lives. 

I've tried to befriend her on myspace, facebook, etc. but I've been denied.  I feel she's judging me, due to only what my former friend has told her. Apparently it's not nice things. I feel hurt, and angry about this, because I truly think she and I could be good friends and we have a lot in common.  Should I just give up, or should I send a Twitter message, lol?! 

I think I deserve a chance to prove who I am and perhaps I've changed enough, that things that are said about me aren't true anymore!  

I know I have judged people in my high school. I won't lie, I did. Now that I'm older, and perhaps a tiny bit wiser, I feel a bit guilty for thinking they were bad people or mean people.

I can think of a few specifically that I have actually talked to on myspace and realized they weren't bad people and I probably should have got to know them better.  

I've found that if I have hung out or talked to someone long enough and I still don't connect or think they're my kind of person, I know I can leave and not have to talk to them again. (unless of course it's someone you work with, then you might want to address this with your HR person) 

Just something to think about and add to your everyday behavior.

Addiction

Why write about addiction you maybe thinking...such a heavy subject I know, but everyone has one...even you. Don't shake your head no at me...you do!!! Drugs, sex, alcohol, shopping, eating, color (yeah there are people who are addicted to color) cleaning...the list goes on. BUT...BUT...thats not the part of addiction that I want to talk about.

I want to talk about the things that cause the addiction.

I am addicted to shopping. Its a problem. When I have a bad day I have this urge to go shopping...like blow all my money shopping.When the boyfriend and I have an argument and I leave the house that urge, that dying urge to shop takes a hold of me. When I for no reason have a funky day I want to go shopping.

So after reading the above paragraph lets look at what causes me to shop...BAD DAYS!! I know what your saying...well if your having a bad day don't go near a store...good idea!!! If I don't shop then I replace that with...EATING. So there ends up being another problem...weight gain. I've known about my trigger for a long time, so I have learned that when I have a bad day I need to talk about it. I know that it drives my boyfriend nuts because hes not the talker, but for me, when we fight, I need to get it off my chest right away so that I don't trigger my addiction.

So here is my thought about addiction....

Everyone has an addiction, but the addiction overall is not the problem!!! Its what causes the addiction. For those who know they have an addiction and are working on it by going to meetings or what not, its great...but to fight the addiction I think that people (including me) need to work on what causes the addiction. Once you figure out what it is and work on the CAUSE the addiction, I feel, will on its own subside. It may never fully go away but I think that it will make it easier.

When love is not enough

Yes it is 3am and I cant sleep. There are so many things going through my mind and I don't know how to turn them off. The one person that I love the most has applied for a job overseas and there is nothing, not even love that can make him stay. My heart is breaking and I cant do anything about it. There are not enough tears in the world that could make him change his mind. I feel so so lost and confused.

Is there any real point in falling in love? I used to think that I would find it and be happy, and I'm not. I have falling in love and its leaving me. Everyone says that you'll find it again, but they aren't in my shoes. They don't know how I feel, what I'm going through. I found someone that I could see sharing my life with and in the end I'm just going to get hurt. I have come to accept the fact that I am going to be that single person for the rest of my life. You know what I am talking about, there is that one friend in every group that never gets married. Never has kids. Well you're looking at her.

Men, if there are any of you reading this, never tell a woman that you want to marry her, and want her to have your babies if you aren't going to follow through. DONT. If you don't mean it and you aren't going to do it please don't say it to her.

I have the man that I want, but I'm not what he wants right now and I think that there are fewer and fewer men like him in the world, and it makes me so sad to know I had what I wanted and now its going to be gone. Good men are few and far and a dime in a dozen and the chances of finding another one is slim.

What to do, what to do?...